Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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