I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
