i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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