Im at strip club and am horny
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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