the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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