Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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