Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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