dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
