That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Randomize
