Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize