he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
