I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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