that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
