I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
