Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
even my farts smell like vagina
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
