I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
