Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
