I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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