Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
