Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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