Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was confusing and full of hummus
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
