According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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