fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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