Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
