Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
