somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
