That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
