she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
please come you make the beer taste better
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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