my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
