omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
