It's Friday. Sex?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
