So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
