I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
