Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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