They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize