So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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