happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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