If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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