Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
