I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
