I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize