Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
