U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
