I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
