quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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