turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't deserve a penis
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize