I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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