4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
