My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
