The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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