the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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