Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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