there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
