I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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