I met the friendliest cop last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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